


A Hideous Struggle

by LastWill



Series: LastWill's Batjokes [3]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series
Genre: Batjokes, Drama, Everything you want to read in a Bat-fic, Humor, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2020-01-08
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:41:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21850864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LastWill/pseuds/LastWill
Summary: The Bat-Family is starting to discover that even though the Joker is locked away in Arkham Asylum, he still has Batman firmly in his grasp. Not only is this uncomfortable realization spreading among Bruce's family, but Batman's foes are also starting to suspect the Joker's claims of romance aren't another one of his poorly constructed jokes...
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Bruce Wayne, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel
Series: LastWill's Batjokes [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1571359
Comments: 44
Kudos: 163





	1. The Struggle

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to make my fics in a LastWill series, you don't have to read previous installations to know what's going on in this fic (I put in enough exposition) but it does help. Also, I am really busy so I don't know when the next chapter will come out, but I do have more of this written that needs to be polished, so it probably will be (hopefully) before Christmas.

“Thanks for meeting me, Batman,” Doctor Leland greeted him. “I’ll try to keep this short.”

Doctor Leland was in charge of running Arkham Asylum, she had specifically asked Gordan to get in touch with him and had even gone as far as to set up a date and time, it was all very officious.

Batman remained standing despite her gesture for him to be seated in the chair positioned in front of her desk. If this insulted her she ignored it, instead she sighed and turned to the computer on her desk, tapping a few keys and reading what was on screen.

"We have a new rehabilitation program we're implementing, it's...something else," she remarked.

“You sound as if you’re not entirely on board,” Batman observed.

“Don’t think me cold, I’m just stating facts when I say rehabilitation just isn’t a possibility for the inmates the programs are being offered to," she replied. “The program is a waste of money, I’d like to put the funds elsewhere.”

“You’re ultimately in charge with running the asylum however you seem fit,” Batman pointed out.

“Under normal circumstances, yes, but Bruce Wayne's grant-money was specific on the conditions of receiving his donation, and honestly, we wouldn’t be able to run our boiler next year without it,” Doctor Leland admitted, leaning back in her office chair. "We’re in no financial position to compromise, Gotham City isn’t exactly generous allocating funds towards the criminals who torment them."

“What conditions did Wayne have?” Batman asked.

“Activities for inmates found more in a sleep-away camp than a mental facility for the world’s most dangerous criminally insane,” Leland replied with a slight, bitter edge. “Apparently a ‘coddling cure’ was pitched to Mr. Wayne and it resonated deeply. We’ve had to make modifications…”

“Such as?” Batman asked.

“I’d ask you not to laugh but you hardly seem the type,” She said with a wry smile. “We’ve built a couple of coops in the back for the inmates to raise chickens. There’s a garden too, new computers and new books are being set up in a library. We even have the supplies for a GED program… I don’t think it’s occurred to Wayne that apart from the doctors here, most of the staff hasn't finished high school themselves.”

“And how does this involve me,” Batman asked her, wanting to get to the point. He knew all of the demands that came with the grant money, of course, he had drafted those conditions up himself.

“This much freedom for the inmates is hard on staff, specifically our security. Insane doesn’t mean stupid, the inmates here are highly creative with a breadth of experience behind them, we’re always one step away from chaos, there’s bound to be an incident,” Doctor Leland reasoned, her face twisted with worry. “I put aside some funds for hiring and training more security but I’m out of time. I brought you here to ask if you would consider working for me in the short-term until I have a solid security team. I know you can keep some of the more _challenging_ patients in line.”

“You’re talking about Joker,” Batman said.

“And Nygma, Isley, Quinn, Dent, Crane…” Doctor Leland said, turning to her computer. “They eat up most of my security resources and they’re the ones who will be using Wayne’s new programs," Leland said.

“I can’t neglect Gotham, I go where I’m needed,” Batman told her.

“This time Arkham Asylum needs you,” She insisted. “GCPD can’t spare the people, especially around the holidays, Gordan recommended I ask for you. Please Batman, I’m desperate.”

“...I’ll come when I can,” Batman said.

* * *

It was tradition in the Wayne Manor that the kitchen become a steady cookie-making machine from the 15th of December right up until Christmas Eve. This duty usually fell to both Alfred or one of the Robins with the occasional contribution of an ally, this year not being an exception as Dick, Barbara and Tim huddled together creating confections. Alfred’s raisin oatmeal cookies had made a great debut that morning and the young team was eager to dethrone him as the best cookie bakers of the day.

Tim was being over-careful as he slowly cut out a gingerbread man and with surgical precision draped it’s soft, pliable body on the cookie tray.

“Did Bruce say when he’s getting home?” Dick asked.

“That’s like the third time you’ve asked that,” Barbara said with a smile. Her hands were steadily icing a grumpy-face on a gingerbread man. “He’s at Arkham Asylum for a meeting but he'll be back soon.”

“How long ago did he leave?” Dick asked.

“A couple hours before you got here,” Tim said, slowly placing his next gingerbread man on the tray.

“Do you know who he’s meeting with?” Dick asked. "Did he tell you any details?"

Barbara and Tim shared a look of concern at the anxious tone of Dick’s voice. “Is there something wrong?” she asked him.

“Yeah, why? I mean no, why? Nothing’s wrong,” Dick said. He cleared his throat to fill an awkward pause. “Hey, let’s go out, I heard they put up a Christmas tree in Gotham Square.”

“But we’re in the middle of making cookies,” Tim said.

“And you’re doing great, Tim,” Dick said. “I bet they’ll be the best yet, no need for all three of us to be here. I mean, do we really need three people to put dough on a tray?”

“...Nope, guess not,” Tim said dryly, returning to his task.

“What’s gotten into you?” Barbara asked. “You never miss gingerbread cookie night.”

“It’s this broken wrist, it’s slowing me down and I’ve got cabin fever,” Dick replied shrugging. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. “Wanna go shopping with me? I’ve still got so much to get.”

“Oh! Yes, that reminds me,” Barbara said, brightening. “All I have left is my dad to do, he’s impossible to buy for. Every year I put off getting him something and at the very last minute-”

“-I saw Batman and the Joker having sex!” Dick blurted out.

The words just spilled out of him like projectile vomit. The gingerbread man Tim had carefully been cutting out had it’s head rip off as the weight of its body sloughed onto the cookie sheet without it. He was left with holding it’s poor, decapitated head between his fingers.

“Uh...huh?” Tim managed to respond.

“Don’t make me say it again, please,” Dick pleaded.

“...Is that why you’ve been acting so nutty about Bruce?” Barbara asked.

“Did you hear what I just said? The Joker and Batman-” Dick started, his cheeks flushing. “Together. I caught them last week.”

For the second time both Barbara and Tim exchanged a concerned look.

“Oh my god,” Dick started indignantly. “You don’t believe me!”

“Dick,” Barbara sighed. She seemed to have given up whatever it was she was going to say and just resorted to looking uncomfortable.

“I believe you saw what you think you saw," Tim said diplomatically. “But Bruce wouldn’t do that. There’s some confusion-”

"Sucking someone off isn’t one of those things that can be misinterpreted, Tim," Dick replied waspishly.

“Something smells good.”

Barbara's face was beginning to turn as red as her hair when Bruce entered the kitchen. He looked as if he had just finished taking a shower and was buttoning his shirt cuffs as he approached them. There was an air of fear between them, an unspoken worry that Bruce had somehow overheard the unsettling topic of conversation.

“We’re just getting into the Christmas spirit,” Tim replied quickly as Barbara busied herself by checking the oven timer.

“I see,” Bruce said as he scrutinized the cookies. “Well I’m glad you’re all here because I want to put you on notice, I’m going to be doing a lot of back-and-forth at Arkham, so I’m depending on Batgirl and Robin to handle patrols in the city until the end of the year.”

"Why, what's at Arkham?” Barbara asked casually as she ignored Dick’s potent look.

“A new rehabilitation program sponsored by me to keep the inmates busy,” Bruce replied. “I figured they would be more inclined to stay in Arkham Asylum during the holidays if it was more pleasant to be there. I want to give Gotham a break, what I didn’t realize was Arkham didn’t have the staff to accommodate it, so I’m rectifying my mistake and offering my services,” Bruce explained. “I’ll be starting a shift there noon tomorrow.”

He grabbed the grumpy gingerbread man off the cookie rack and and bit into it. There was an uncomfortable silence as the three of them stared, Bruce’s eyes flickered between their disturbed expressions as he chewed and swallowed.

“...Was I not allowed to take a cookie?” Bruce asked, frowning.

"Have all the cookies you want, you don't need our approval," Dick said with a forced smile. 

"Permission. You already have our approval," Barbara said with a laugh.

“Yeah,” Tim said weakly, smiling.

The frown on Bruce's face deepened but he didn't question them further as he grabbed a more cheerful gingerbread man and left.

"Oh my god," Barbara whispered.

"See?" Dick huffed.

"Planning visits to Arkham isn't proof of- uh- tomfoolery," Tim protested. "I'm not calling you a liar, I just believe there's a rational explanation for whatever you saw."

"I know what I saw, and this is proof Batman can't stay away from Joker,” Dick replied. Tim did not hide his skepticism at the statement. “Haven't you ever had a secret girlfriend? There's like a wild period where you can't keep your hands off each other and are constantly in each others-" he paused at Barbara's raised eyebrows, "thoughts."

"Look, this has gotten weird, I just want to make Christmas cookies," Tim said turning to the bowl of dough. "...Though it is strange Batman didn't look into staffing before pushing a new Arkham program, it's not like him to overlook something like that."

“You know him, Tim, what does your gut say?” Dick pressed.

Barbara picked up two gingerbread men from the cooling rack, her expression was grim as she handed them to Dick.

“What did you see?” Barbara asked.

“Ok,” Dick said, holding the cookies. “So this is Batman, and this is the Joker….” he said, waving them in the air.

* * *

“Batman visited me again last night,” Joker announced.

There was a chorus of groans so synchronized that it arrested the brief attention of the orderlies.

"Please, not this again," Ivy sighed. She picked up her tray from a pile and waited in the crowded line, trapped between The Joker and Harley Quinn. 

"We should ignore him, he'll never stop if he knows it's irritating us," Two-Face growled, picking up two trays for himself as they shuffled forward.

“That didn’t work the first _thousand times_ , Harvey,” Scarecrow said bitterly. “Just let him perform his ridiculous tale and get it out of his system.”

“Right, so tell us, what did the Batman do this time,” Riddler scoffed.

“After our usual tumble between the sheets he swept the parameter and killed all the cockroaches in my room- like a real genteel bat!" Joker stated, bursting into a fit of giggles.

“Ew,” Ivy huffed as Harley went “aw” at the same time.

"You know those long pointed ears? ...They make excellent handlebars," Joker said, his laughter climbing to a loud pitch as he gyrated rudely.

"Hogwash," Crane scoffed.

"HEY! Keep it sane!" An orderly shouted at Joker.

“When is the truth not the truth?” Riddler said over his shoulder to Two-Face, not bothering to keep his voice quiet.

The Joker’s smile twisted into a snarl and he rounded on him.

“I’m not lying, Eddie!" Joker snapped. “You were there, tell them what you heard! Batman said he treasured our time at Make-Out Point!”

"I heard no such proclamation of love," Riddler countered as the rogues turned to him. "What happened was he dragged you here in a cage, well- with my assistance, Batman was desperate for my help- but it’s a mystery why you think he’s in love with you when all you do is fight."

"HA! Fighting’s our foreplay!" Joker snapped. “Batman’s looney tunes over me," Joker said, a fake smile plastered on his face. “Don’t believe me? All I need to do is imply some jealous geek is harassing me and he’ll tie your question mark in knots, Ed.”

"-Now wait a minute!" Riddler protested hotly. “No need for threats!”

"We're done with this," Harvey rasped angrily at Joker. "Batman isn't queer, and he's certainly not queer for you.”

“Right,” Ivy snarled. “No one thought this 'Batman is my boyfriend' joke was funny eight months ago and no one finds it funny now. You lost Harley to me, she's not jealous or into you anymore, tell a new fucking joke to cope with it."

"Oh this is rich,” Joker sneered in Ivy’s face. “Are you suggesting that I'm making this up because you and Harley traded bracelets and are now scissor sisters? Batman and I-"

"No- no more!” Crane boomed. “If you start another sentence with 'Batman and I', _we will pummel you to death with our lunch trays_!”

Joker's smile faded as he caught the serious look of Two-Face nodding in agreement.

"You don't have the guts," Joker hissed, trying his best to loom over Crane. “Or maybe you do, let’s find out what you’re stuffed with, Scarecrow!”

“Ladies? Gentlemen?” Scarecrow drawled in a bored tone, stepping back in line.

The Joker looked around him, shocked as they all stood around him in a circle.

“This ends now, clown,” Riddler scowled.

"We’re not listening to another of your Batman-ramblings," Harvey growled.

"They are terrible," Crane agreed.

"Pathetic," Ivy snapped.

Joker’s snarl landed on Harley who smiled sweetly. 

  
“I dunno, I think they’re kinda funny,” she said shrugging.

“‘Kinda’?” Joker hissed critically.

“I mean, they’re a little repetitive…” Harley said, avoiding his eyes.

“Hey!” An orderly huffed. He was the beefy one called Meeder and he’d stomped up to the group. “Break it up right now! And If I hear so much as a giggle or cough from any of you, no one eats, ya got it!?”

Joker scowled, looking at them all with hatred.

He would just have to get proof of the Batman’s love, wouldn’t he?

* * *

Free hour had gotten much more exciting at Arkham Asylum thanks to the softhearted philanthropist Bruce Wayne. At three o’clock every day an inmate, with limited supervision, was given the chore of cleaning the chicken coop and making sure the chickens were fed. Though Doctor Leland had reasons to be wary of this new program, it was a pleasant discovery that even her ‘most challenging’ inmates held an empathy for the chickens under their care that didn’t seem to translate for people. 

Well, except one.

The Joker was grinning as he held a rowan hen tightly in his arms, watching with naked amusement as Edward Nygma cried with rage on the other side of a wire fence. 

“Stop- STOP, you vile imbecile!” Riddler screamed.

“Wanna see a magic trick, Eddie? Snip snip snip!” Joker giggled. The Joker was miming scissors as he used his other hand to press a chicken’s head into its body.

“No-!” Riddler groaned. “Stop it! Why are you picking on _me_ ? I’m not the only one who didn’t want to hear your _stupid stories_! This isn’t funny you SADIST!”

Joker obviously didn't share his point of view as he let a string of laughter escape him. Batman knew if the Joker was laughing it meant some deviance was afoot, coupled with Riddler’s cries of anger he was all but assured his presence was needed.

Batman spotted Nigma leaning against the fence, his fingers twisted tightly in it. Riddler must of sensed him near, it was easier to be spotted when it wasn’t dark and Batman was marching in the daylight.

“Batman!?” Riddler gasped. His expression of shock changed to urgency. “BATMAN! STOP HIM!”

“What’s going on here?” Batman shouted angrily.

A small cry of surprise escaped the Joker, and he used it to theatrically clutch the clucking chicken to his chest tighter, his grin huge as Batman climbed over the fence and stalked towards him. 

“Hurry- he’s hurting her!” Riddler proclaimed as Batman said rounded on Joker.

“Put down the animal,” Batman ordered.

“But it’s my turn to feed the chickens, it’s part of my therapy!” Joker whined. “You’ll have to wait your turn, Bats!"

“He wasn’t feeding her! He wasn’t!” Riddler raged. “He was tormenting her for kicks because I called him a liar at lunch! Me and everyone else- he’s picking on me!”

“The Tattler's gone loopy!” Joker laughed maliciously before donning a wicked smile. “I wouldn’t hurt these noble creatures... panic spoils the meat! Best to make them think they’ll live a loooong comfy life before Christmas dinner- ooo, I can smell the chicken pot pie! Can you taste it, Ed? Yum yum!”

“She’s not for eating, just her eggs!” Riddler insisted, worry writ on his face.

“Here that, toots? _Eddie wants to suck your eggs_ -” Joker said to the hen clucking in his arms.

“Joker, enough,” Batman said. “Put. The chicken. Down.”

“One more hug, she’s so soft-” Joker said, clenching her so both the hen and the Riddler let out a cry of panic.

“JOKER!” Batman roared.

Joker shot them both a disgusted look and threw the chicken in the air, she clucked loudly and flapped her wings, hurrying to the corner of the fenced in pen. Riddler gnashed his teeth as she went flying. 

“Batman's _not_ your boyfriend!” Riddler called at him, causing Joker to laugh with glee.

“Finish up your free hour elsewhere, Nygma,” Batman demanded. “And you-”

Batman’s hand closed around the nape of Joker’s neck and pulled the laughing man into the chicken coop, he was stumbling and hooting the entire way. 

“Ooo, this is familiar, just like in my dreams,” Joker teased as Batman rounded on him.

“These programs are in place to make time here easier for everyone, and if they’re not, I _will_ have them taken away from you,” Batman threatened.

“I was only kiddin’ around,” Joker mumbled glumly.

"I’m really not happy to discover you're telling my enemies about our relationship. Not very intelligent, Joker," Batman snapped.

"What’s the big deal? They don't believe it," Joker shrugged.

"It's a safety concern, you never know how people will react," Batman replied.

“They all want to kill you, they could hardly want to kill you more,” Joker laughed. “What are you doing here anyway? I thought you didn’t exist before nightfall.”

“Special circumstances, I’m working security for Doctor Leland,” Batman admitted.

“You picked up the day shift? Here?” Joker chuckled. “There’s quicker ways to earn a buck, Batsy. I can think of a few with that rock-hard bod-”

“-I’m not doing it for money,” Batman interrupted.

“Right, you’re doing it to keep tabs on me, to make sure I don’t get bored with these chickens and fly the coop,” Joker said.

The Joker had an unsettling knack of being perceptive in the midst of his insanity, it never failed to jar Batman when he was hit with it. 

“Something like that,” Batman replied evenly.

“Where’s the trust? Trust is the keystone to every relationship,” Joker said, spreading out his hands. “Have you considered seeing a therapist? Let me give you a referral, but you may have to sign yourself in-”

“If you want my trust you need to earn it, and you’re starting very low from the bottom,” Batman replied as Joker’s flippancy slowly wilted into anger. “After all our history, right now you’re at a deficit.”

“Well I, for one, am I’m _thrilled_ with your surprise work shifts here, Darling! Having you around is proving to be _so much fun_ ,” Joker snarled.

“...I didn’t drag you here just to scold you, I wanted privacy so I could check your size,” Batman said, closing the distance between them.

“What for?” Joker asked roughly.

Thankfully the Joker stayed still as Batman’s fingers went to the back of his pale neck and checked the tag on his collar. He was equally as still when Batman checked the size on his pants.

“I spoke to Doctor Leland regarding the Christmas Eve program, she’s agreed to relax things on the promise I’ll work security. I thought you’d like something to wear other than your Arkham jumpsuit,” Batman replied.

“You’re going to dress me up like your dolly?” Joker scoffed.

Batman pulled away and scrutinized the Joker; the clown was visually unimpressed with his offer and still sported a scowl.

“I thought you enjoyed dressing up for parties,” Batman said evenly.

“I do- when _I’m_ throwing them. Is hobnobbing in an asylum with chicken-lovers like Eddie what you consider a party?” Joker grumbled.

Batman didn’t respond. The Joker must have lost interest in the conversation, because he turned and plucked an egg from a nest box only to drop it on the floor, it made a mess on the floorboards as it cracked.

“It’s a chance to break out of your routine,” Batman reasoned. “Did you want me to get you clothes? I realized I made an assumption.”

Joker stomped on the yoke of the cracked egg with violent force and smeared it on the ground with his shoe, his sneer still on his face, ignoring Batman’s question. 

“I can see you want to be alone,” Batman said. “I’ll check-in on you another time.”

Joker was picking up more eggs and throwing them on the floor, all of them cracking one by one.

* * *

It was halfway through “It’s a Wonderful Life” that Bruce decided he couldn’t take it anymore.

Alfred was topping off a bucket of popcorn that had been passed between them, only Tim had passed on grabbing handfuls because he needed his hands clean for wrapping gifts. Both Barbara and Dick were sitting on a love-seat but their body language was off. They were uncomfortable. Usually they leaned into each other, usually they shared some sort of coy affection for one another, but not tonight.

Ever since yesterday in the kitchen Bruce had noticed something was off with his family, that something was bothering them. It was no secret that he was trained to read people, clearly something was wrong, but he hadn’t addressed their anxious behavior because he wanted to respect their personhood. It was his belief that it wasn’t polite to treat them like one of his mysteries to uncover. However, it was becoming unbearable to ignore how stiff and unnatural their interactions were with him. 

No, not just with him. Whenever he was _in the room_. They couldn’t even act natural with each other.

He had a feeling he knew what the root cause of it all was.

“So,” Bruce began, pausing the movie. That caused them to turn their attention towards him. “Which one of you is going to address it, or do I have to be the one to break the facade?”

Bruce noticed none of them except Alfred looked curious at his abrupt interruption, which meant it was probable that Alfred wasn’t in the know. That made sense, he didn’t think the man would act so avoidant if he knew Batman was in some sort of relationship with the Joker. 

Bruce settled his hands in his lap, patiently waiting for one of them to muster up the courage to say something but no one broke the silence.

“I would like to move past this sooner rather than later,” Bruce told them. “And I hope it doesn’t ruin everyone’s Christmas.”

“Is it true?” Tim asked.

“I don’t know what you’ve been told,” Bruce replied. Dick’s jaw steeled and he didn’t blink as his gaze settled on him. “So I can’t confirm ‘it’, Tim.”

It became clear by their grim faces that no one was going to do the hard thing and clarify what ‘it’ was.

“Hmm...well I understand why it’s hard to talk about, it’s deeply private and you were never meant to know,” Bruce said stiffly. “I’m going to tell you the facts, and after you’ve heard them know that I’m not interested in your opinions or moral objections.”

“This sounds ominous, sir,” Alfred said.

“Yes, you may want to sit down,” Bruce suggested. He waited until Alfred settled into an armchair before speaking. “I’ve been in a sexual relationship with the Joker for eight months. Dick walked in on us last week and saw me in a compromising position.”

“It’s true?” Tim said.

“Eight months?” Barbara repeated. “But at the Art Gallery Joker tried to-”

“Kill me? Yes,” Batman interrupted. “He can’t stop being himself no matter the circumstances, our relationship doesn’t change that he’s violently insane. It’s not a conventual relationship, it would be a mistake to view it rationally.”

“I should say so!” Alfred proclaimed. “Bruce! How-”

“I’m not finished,” Bruce interrupted. “I have no illusions that Joker is capable of ‘turning good’ or suddenly become sane just because we love each other-”

“Sir!” Alfred said, standing up.

“I understand your fear,” Bruce said calmly. “Just as he is who he is, so am I. I haven’t lost my senses or my vision, I am Batman and The Joker isn’t a blind spot.”

“Like hell he’s not-!” Alfred boomed. There was a look of deep appreciation from Dick as he stood to steady Alfred. “Sir, he is everything that Batman fights _against_ \- the people he’s hurt, people like your parents- and Jason! And you say you’re in love with that monster!”

“He’s a man, Alfred,” Bruce replied. “Albeit a very sick one.”

Tim was staring holes into the rug, deep in thought. 

“He’s not the only one who’s sick-” Alfred started.

“I’m not interested in-” Bruce replied.

“Well I suppose I’m too stubborn to take orders!” Alfred said. “Bruce, I don’t know why you’ve chosen to throw in with that madman, but you’re lying to yourself if you say that this isn’t a question of morality! That being in love with a psychopathic murderer doesn’t taint all that Batman stands for!”

“You don’t understand,” Bruce said calmly. “The Joker is part of Batman just as Batman is a part of him. It’s not beautiful, or good, or even something I desire, but it’s the truth,” he said standing. “My mission isn’t tainted, in the past eight months never once did you think to question me, think about that before you spout your pious objections.”

Bruce then left the room knowing well that the anger and gossip would stew between them, but at least the masks would drop, at least he wouldn’t have to tolerate their uncertain looks and unspoken thoughts. There would be more challenges ahead, but he would face them without keeping secrets and there was a freedom to that.

He just hoped he hadn’t ruined Christmas.


	2. Admissions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys, I didn’t forget about you, I just had an insanely busy Christmas and New Years Eve, which I should have seen coming because I fucking hosted, but I'm goddamn overambitous idiot.
> 
> Also, I'm being more honest with myself, I recognize that I do a hell of a lot of edits and rewrites. I am a fast writer but very critical of what makes the cut, so it majorly slows me down. Sorry.

Arkham Asylum. Batman thought there was a strong stale smell that couldn't be scrubbed away, something that not even Bruce Wayne's money could make disappear, it seemed to be baked deep into the walls themselves. If Batman was being cryptic he would call it  _ despair _ ...with a lemon cleaner twist.

The staff was doing their best. Small strings of battery powered Christmas lights were hung out of reach, paper Santas were taped on the walls and had been given extra appendages in marker by some low-level performing comedian. Anything to keep them distracted was good, he supposed. That’s what Bruce Wayne’s grant money had gone to, after all.

Batman stood in the inmates recreation room feeling as much as a part of the trying decor as the white-washed walls. He was happy to see that his presence demanded order, most of the inmates were nervous and opted to ignore him, which he encouraged. Some of the more ‘difficult inmates’, as Doctor Leland had called them, studied him quietly from afar.

All except his boyfriend, of course.

"Hiya handsome," Joker sang. When Batman didn’t respond he frowned. “Oops, you missed your cue, let’s start over,” Joker said backing up a few steps. He paused a few seconds before he began walking again. “Hiya handsome,” he repeated louder.

“Joker,” Batman replied stiffly.

“I’m glad I caught you in one of your talkative moods,” Joker started, leaning in close. “‘Cause I really need a favor, I was wondering if you would announce to all these fine folk how I'm the love of your life,” Joker said. “Don’t worry, I know you’re not really an improv guy. We can rehearse it,” he said with a wink.

“Inmate, if you have an issue I can escort you to your cell,” Batman said without looking at him. “If you’re going to cause an issue, I can escort you to your cell  _ incapacitated _ .”

“‘Inmate’? Are you fucking with me right now? What’s with this impersonal tough-guy act?” Joker laughed, laying a hand on his arm. Batman looked down at it, his eyes narrowing before removing the hand. “Oh...I get it,” Joker said with a dangerous flashing behind his eyes. “Behind closed doors I can put my tongue in your asshole, but a fingerbrush on the forearm in front of your new friends is a step too far,” he snapped, his eyes roaming towards the other orderlies.

“Tell me what you want, Joker,” Batman said firmly.

“Just my boy-toy,” Joker replied pleasantly.

“Refer to me as your toy again and I’ll have you quarantined in your cell for the rest of the week,” Batman threatened.

“Get over yourself!” Joker burst out with an obnoxious laugh. “I’m not talking about  _ you _ .” He pointed behind Batman to a box behind him. “You’re in my way, sweet cheeks. Oopsie, I mean, you’re in my way,  _ sir _ .”

Batman turned and Joker slipped right past him to gain access to the box. He heard the sound of things being moved and jostled as he watched as the Joker ruffle through a bunch of old, worn items- a broken clock, a battered board game, and some plastic cups were shoved to the side. After a noisy search he let out a cry of triumph and straightened.

“There you are,” Joker proclaimed. He held up a Ken doll and shook in front of Batman's face. “See? My boy-toy.”

“...Of course,” Batman replied tersely.

Batman had a feeling Joker was going to try to drag him into some sort of spectacle, though it was possible that the clown was crazy enough to want to amuse himself with children’s toys. With the Joker you never knew just exactly what you were going to witness.

“Oh Jon! I found him!” Joker called, turning on his heel.

“How lucky,” Jonathan Crane said flatly.

The Scarecrow was seated at a table and resting his hand on his cheek, judging from his dry expression he held the aura of someone who was tolerating Joker’s presence. 

Joker didn’t seem to care at the lackluster response as he trotted towards Crane and handed him the Ken doll along with a curious smile. It wasn’t the only doll in the room, on the table was a matching Barbie that Joker also picked up, only she remained in his possession. 

Batman was certain that The Joker knew he was watching the pair of them, he didn’t bother pretending he wasn’t witnessing their odd interaction as he strolled over, his arms folded across his chest.

“Here you go, Jonny. I’ll be the girl, you can be my sweet, wonderful beau,” Joker said. “Someone has to,” he added grimly, shooting a dark look at Batman.

Scarecrow looked curiously between Batman and the Joker before returning to the Ken doll with a calculating look.

"Very well," Johnathan Crane said. He cleared his throat. “...Hello Bambi.”

“Bambi? Who the fuck is that?” Joker huffed.

“Your woman,” Scarecrow nodded toward the doll clutched in Joker’s hand.

"Her name’s been ‘Barbie’ for 60 years, you uncultured swine," Joker replied. “‘Bambi’...  _ seriously _ ?”

"Hello, Barbie," Scarecrow corrected himself with a sigh.

"Hi Ken, how was tennis practice?" Joker chirped in a soft, feminine voice.

“Invigorating,” Scarecrow replied. “My backhand has improved a lot since I picked up extra lessons. I think I may be the best on the team.”

“Ooo, yes, you’re still so sweaty,” Joker said, using Barbie’s hand to pet the side of Ken’s face. “...Oh, Darling, seeing you like this is awakening all these complicated feelings...I think that I’m finally ready to go  _ all the way _ . I want you to be my first.”

"Your first?” Scarecrow asked, raising an eyebrow. “Are you sure?” 

“You’ll be gentle, won’t you?” Joker asked coyly, turning Barbie away.

“But of course, my little fleur,” Scarecrow said gently. “However, let us be clear, do you agree to give informed consent to having intercourse with me?"

"I do, but…” Joker squeaked.

“What’s bothering you, Barbie?” Scarecrow asked, tilting Ken to the side with concern. “Come now, confide in me your insecurities,  _ your fears _ .”

“No, it’s too terrible!” Joker gasped.

Crane smiled indulgently at this admission, there was a familiar dark hunger in his expression that Batman didn’t like. 

“My dear, you’re trembling with fright! Please, you can trust me...” Crane urged.

"Can I, Ken?" Joker said, his voice turning harsh. " _ If that really is your name _ ."

“Pardon?” Scarecrow said, pulling back slightly. “...It is, I believe?” he questioned, looking to Joker for guidance.

“I may be made of plastic, but you’re a fool to toy with  _ me _ ,” Joker said, a vicious edge to his femme-voice. “Oh yes, you really screwed the pooch on this one. You thought client-privilege with your lawyer would protect you, but you should have learned your lesson back in Jersey that trusting the wrong people is dangerous.”

“Um… you look nice in that skirt-” Scarecrow said, making an effort to get back on track.

“-What you didn’t know was that your lawyer owed a  _ certain someone _ a favor. With every consultation you were sealing your fate,  _ Gregory Mallory _ !” Joker boomed.

Gregory Mallory. Batman knew that name, after a bit of quick thinking he recalled it from a case that both Gordan and himself had deemed unsolvable without more physical evidence. It occurred to him that he was hearing secondhand of an unsolved cold case in child’s play form.

"My love, no need to be so formal, please call me Greg," Scarecrow replied, not the least perturbed by Joker’s antics.

“Joker, what do you know about the Mallory case?” Batman snapped, interrupting their game.

“Ah ah ahhhh!” Joker said, wagging a finger. “If you want to play with us, Bats…” he pulled a Tyrannosaurus Rex toy from his lap and held it up. “You need to ask nicely.”

Batman could attempt to beat the truth out of Joker, but it would be a harsh process and would rile up a lot of the other inmates, it could even turn into a riot. They both knew he would get better results if he played Joker’s game instead.

“...May I play with you?” Batman asked stiffly.

Joker’s foot kicked the chair next to him causing it to screech as it slid back, allowing a spot for Batman to sit. His grin was twisted as he watched Batman sit and grab the dinosaur from his grip.

“Were you responsible for Mallory’s death?” Batman asked Joker.

“MONSTER! AHHHHHHHHHH!” Joker screamed in an impressively high pitch. Crane jumped in his seat at the abrupt shouting while Batman ground his teeth.“RUN GREG! Oh, my heart couldn’t take it if you died  _ again _ !”

Mallory’s death was the last jab that Batman would tolerate. He jumped to his feet and grabbed Joker by the lapels, hoisting him up, the fake innocence in Joker’s expression caused him to further lose his temper.

“How were you involved!” Batman shouted in his face.

“Help! I’m being manhandled by a maniac!” Joker wailed.

Three orderlies had gathered around them, all of them looking alarmed and uncertain. The biggest one stepped forward and approached Batman with his hand hovering over a stun-gun, it was apparent the situation was way over his head, even with a full arsonal there was no way he could reign in both The Batman and The Joker and everyone knew it.

“What happened?” The orderly asked Batman.

“He made fun of me for playing with Barbie,” Joker answered with a sob in his voice. “I’m trying to stop, I really am, but it calms me,” he sniffed, his bottom lip wavering. “Daddy used to get really angry too when he’d catch me-!”

“Batman, we’re not supposed to touch the patients unless they’re a threat,” The orderly told him, almost pleading.

Batman understood that this is what the Joker had wanted to do, to undermine his authority, and he had played right into his hands. He wasn’t going to allow it to go further, instead he carefully placed the Joker back on his feet and stood passively as the Joker scurried backwards with the Barbie clutched tightly in his hands.

“Tell me more about your daddy,” Scarecrow said to Joker through the Ken doll in his hand.

Batman returned to his usual place in the room and ignored the curious looks from the other inmates. Joker had won this game, he felt an embarrassed fury at being bested so easily, but he didn’t want to show it. His tense silence, however, didn’t go unnoticed by one of the orderlies who approached him. 

“Believe me, buddy, I understand. It makes me sick watching a grown man acting like a fruit, but he’s got rights,” the orderly whispered. “Just let him play with his little girl trinkets in peace, alright?”

“It wasn’t the dolls that bothered me,” Batman replied. “He was baiting me.”

“Yeah, that happens a lot here, but you can’t take it personally- they’re all loopy upstairs,” The orderly said, drawing circles in the air with his pointer finger. “Listen, if this becomes a thing I’ll back you up in front of the doc, but you really can’t be laying hands on these freakshows without merit. You know and I know how they are, but Uncle Sam... ”

“I understand,” Batman replied. “It won’t happen again.”

He hoped.

* * *

Bruce heard him before he saw him. Whenever Superman arrived there was a whooshing sound, like the very air was announcing greatness was amongst mere mortals such as himself.

Bruce had retired to the Batcave and had taken to straightening his thoughts through manual labor. The Batmobile needed a tune-up, it wasn’t the sort of car that he could take to a shop for maintenance, so naturally he had taken it upon himself to do it alone.

"Clark," Bruce grunted in greeting as he continued to work under the hood.

“Hello Bruce,” Clark replied.

"Christmas is on the 25th,” Bruce told him pointedly as he turned to face the man. The Superman.

"I know, I thought I'd visit Gotham to do some last minute sightseeing," Clark said pleasantly. "And fulfill a favor."

Bruce frowned as he watched Superman stare intently at his head.

"What’s that about?" Bruce asked darkly.

"I’ll be happy to report back to your concerned loved ones that you do not, in fact, have a brain tumor," Superman explained. "Though I can't be certain if they'll be relieved to hear that or not. How many concussions have you had?"

Bruce tossed a wrench in his bag of tools, his mood souring. 

"Which one of them told you about the Joker and me?" he growled.

"It was sort of a group decision that I come and have a friendly chat," Clark replied.

"Leave," Bruce said.

"...I was hoping the chat would be longer than that," Clark said. Bruce chose to ignore him and continued to shuffle through his tool bag. "You know, most guys take out their hot, 20-something secretary to dinner and buy a new car when they find too many gray hairs in the mirror."

"I am not having a midlife crisis," Batman said firmly. "Nor am I having this conversation with you."

"At least meet me halfway and tell me what sort of crisis are you having," Superman said, crossing his arms across his massive chest.

"Currently I'm an adult who is being asked to justify my relationship-"

"A  _ relationship _ ?" Superman interrupted. "You mean this is a full-blown thing between you and your clown?"

"I'll see you on Christmas," Batman grunted. "Good luck with your sightseeing  _ in Metropolis _ ."

"...You're kicking me out of your city?" Superman replied.

"I can kick you further if you refuse to take the hint," Batman replied. "Leave now or you won't be welcome here again."

“I’d prefer we talk this out, maybe you can help me understand-” Superman said.

“Leave or I’ll make you. Is that clear enough?” Bruce replied. 

“...Loud and clear,” Superman said with a note of defeat. “See you on Christmas.”

* * *

Batman liked the Batcave, it was always dark, always night there. Time stopped, the world left him alone.

“I don’t want dinner,” Bruce said as he heard footsteps ecco behind him. “I’ll grab something later myself, Alfred.”

"I’ll let him know.”

Bruce looked behind his shoulder to see Barbara standing before him.

“My dad is impossible to buy for, I could really use help from the male perspective," Barbara said.

"I take it Dick left for Bludhaven?" Bruce asked.

"He said he'll be back," Barbara replied. She paused. "He didn't say when."

Bruce wiped his hands on a rag and stood, he would give her his attention out of courtesy, but if she was going to deliver a lecture he had full intentions of chasing her out of the Batcave.

"I saw how long Clark stayed- or rather didn't stay,” Barbara said. “but I want you to know that I'm still fighting my your side. So...truce?"

“Fine,” Bruce replied. “Let’s go shopping.”

“Really?” she said, thoroughly surprised. He nodded. “Great. sure.”

“I need to clean up,” Bruce said walking past her. “I’ll be with you in a few minutes.”

“I’ll go get the car ready,” she promised. 

* * *

Bruce wasn’t the easiest person to get to know. He could be charming, talkative, outgoing if he wanted to, but privately...the real him… was a mystery. Barbara decided not to press him to speak as they entered the car. She decided to drive, she wasn’t sure if Alfred was on good terms with Bruce, she didn’t want to make things awkward.

Not that they wouldn’t be awkward no matter what. Ten minutes of total silence was a little much.

"How was your Arkham shift?" Barbara asked, breaking the silence.

"How much do you really want to know?" He asked from the passenger’s seat.

“I called a truce and I mean it," Barbara replied. “I’m not digging for things to judge you about.”

"We'll see," Bruce replied darkly.

"Really. You gave me the chance to be Batgirl, now I'm going out on a limb for you," Barbara said.

"...Riddler loves the chicken program," Bruce remarked. This elicited a sharp laugh from her, surprising him. "And…"

"What?" She asked.

"I tried to do something nice for The Joker and it backfired," Bruce admitted.

Bruce seemed lost in thought as she parked the car, but not so lost that he forgot his impeccable manners. She thanked him when he opened the car door for her. 

She could tell whatever had happened at Arkham had weighed on his mind. After walking the strip for a while they stopped in Kline and Sons, a designer menswear shop and found a quiet corner to browse.

"What nice thing were you going to do for him?" Barbara asked as soon as they were away from the holiday crowds.

"Is this going to become a subject of gossip?" Bruce asked with a note of bitterness.

"Only if that 'nice thing' was breaking the Joker out of Arkham to sneak off under the bleachers at Gotham High," she teased him. He shot her a cool look. "I'm kidding, no, it'll stay between us, promise."

“Yesterday I offered to buy him clothes, I know he enjoys dressing up, theatrics, so I didn't think anything of it," Bruce admitted, looking through a rack of shirts. "He accused me of wanting to dress him up like ‘my dolly’. It was humiliating, really.”

“You know he was only saying that to bother you, right?” Barbara replied. “He’s much too self-involved to reject free things.”

“He was convincing,” Bruce insisted.

“Of course he was, he has a terrible sense of humor, he thinks it’s _ funny _ to make people feel bad,” Barbara said. “Just because you’re his ...boyfriend…,” she said the word quietly, like she was using a swear, “doesn’t mean that’s changed, if he could give Batman a bad day that would make his,” Barbara explained as she picked up a plaid tie. “It’s an attention thing.”

“He certainly wants my attention,” Bruce said. “This morning he asked I make a proclamation of love, when I refused he punished me by waving information of a cold-case in my face. Gregory Mallory.”

“God, dad’s been agonizing over that one for years,” Barbara gasped. “Did the Joker give you anything?”

“No,” Batman said. “I think it was just bait to lure me into another one of his games. I can’t seem to get my bearings around him, it’s been frustrating.”

“If he wants attention give him attention, maybe something good will come of it,” Barbara said. “Boy would that be a great Christmas present. Hey dad, remember that Mallory case? Solved. Merry Christmas.”

“It’s probably best to get your father something else as a contingency plan,” Bruce replied.

“Alright, I’ll get dad something nice to wear, you get your degenerate boyfriend some normal clothes,” she said, flipping through ties. “You see my dad on the job more than I do, does he mostly wear solids?” she asked, holding up a checkered patterned tie up.

“Mostly,” Bruce replied. He paused, thinking. “I don’t want to embarrass myself giving him something he wouldn’t wear, and normal is something he definitely wouldn’t wear willingly.”

“You won’t embarrass yourself being nice. What’s he going to say? ‘How dare you treat me well’?” Barbara said. “I’m sure we can throw something together he’d like if we keep in mind it’s for a fancy clown.”

"I didn’t expect this level of support, especially after you sent Clark to make sure I wasn't mentally inpaired," Bruce said, watching her reaction closely.

"The brain tumor thing was a Tim-theory," Barbara said quickly. "As for my 'support', it’s not indicative of approval," Barbara said over her shoulder, "I’ve done many things people don’t approve of, mostly possible through you. It would be hypocritical to lecture you on your… relationship."

"Dick won't even look at me,” Bruce admitted. The tension in the air didn’t shift as Barbara wandered further into accessories section with Bruce on her heels. “Have you spoken to him about it?” Bruce asked.

“A little,” she replied. He noticed she was eyeing the fabric of a white dress shirt for a while. "You know him."

"I do," Bruce replied. "How much did he tell you," he asked, dreading the reply.

"It's not important," she replied hastily.

"So ...everything," Bruce muttered.

“Don’t hold it against him, he was pretty freaked out,” Barbara said.

“It wasn't for his eyes nor your ears,” Bruce snapped at her. “What’s between the Joker and I isn’t about any of you, it never was.”

“That doesn't mean it doesn't affect us,” Barbara whispered. “And that’s not going to stop us from wondering how you, of all people, could possibly love someone who is the embodiment of everything you’ve devoted your life fighting against.”

“This isn’t the place to have this conversation,” Bruce said turning his head away from her.

“I won’t bring it up again,” Barbara said. “But it’s always going to be there, Bruce, hanging between you and us...waiting for an answer. And we’re going to deal with that question in our own ways.”

A heaviness weighed on Bruce’s chest, everything she had said rang true.

“He likes purple, right?” Barbara sighed, holding up a sweater.

“Perfect,” Bruce said without looking at it. “You seem like you’ve got a pretty good handle on his style. Could you pick some things out and have them wrapped up for me? You can get yourself some things too, consider it a thank-you gift.”

“Sure,” Barbara said. 

“I’m late for my shift,” Bruce explained.

“You were scheduled for two Arkham shifts today?” Barbara asked skeptically. He held up the purple sweater to hide her face as he stared at her. “Of course you were, you’re very helpful.”

“I’ll see you later,” Bruce said.

“Yup,” she said.

She feared the worst. It was apparent to her that the Joker had him smitten.

* * *

Batman held Doctor Leland’s affinity for order in high regard, it was one of her better qualities, he thought.

She was trusting too, she handed all the inmate schedules to him without questioning his motives. He had studied them all, naturally he had taken a special interest in the Joker’s, and what that meant was he knew where the inmates would be at certain times.

Tonight fifteen inmates would be at shower B, he made sure to stay just in sight as the line made it way down the hall. The orderlies had to urge the inmates forward as they slowed to stare at him, but he had sabotaged their efforts when he pointed a finger at Joker, causing the line to stop.

“Leave him behind,” Batman said. “I’ll take responsibility for him, he’ll catch up later.”

“Am I in trouble? Please say yes!” Joker gushed clapping his hands joyously. “I want to know what I did!”

“I just want to talk,” Batman said as the line disappeared around the bend.

“Talk? To moi?” Joker said, his eyebrows raising. “But Batman, I’m just a lowly inmate. ...I’ll just bore you,” he said with a dramatic frown.

“I apologize for this morning if you felt rejected,” Batman said carefully. “I realize we’ve been out of sync lately and it’s been bothering the both of us. I want to talk about it.”

“Ooo, now’s not a good time. You’ll have to reschedule with my secretary. I only get twenty minutes before they shut off the hot water,” Joker said strolling away.

“I’ll give you extra time to shower, as long as you like,” Batman said, placing a hand on his chest to stop him.

“Wait, are you hitting on me? I don’t feel comfortable with that,” Joker said screwing his eyebrows together in worry. “Oh no, are you trying to trade for sexual favors? That’s against the rules! Doctor Leland!” Joker shouted.

“Stop it! Stop fighting with me!” Batman snapped angrily. “I need you to try, Joker! This isn’t going to work if you’re not going to meet me halfway,” Batman said softly. “Please… show me I haven’t sacrificed for nothing.”

“Wow… you look like you’re about to fly out the window and cry into your Bat-diary,” Joker laughed.

“That’s not funny,” Batman snarled.

“No? How about a joke? Oh, I have one that just came to me! A bat and a clown walk into a chicken coop-,” Joker giggled. Batman twisted his hand in the Joker’s shirt and pushed him roughly against the wall. The Joker’s grin grew. “Bat says, ‘I’m sorry for being an awkward, humorless, gay buffoon’-”

“I’m not in the mood for this,” Batman snarled.

“The bat looks like he’s going to cry-” Joker laughed. 

Being mocked was too much for Batman to handle, he yanked him forward and slammed Joker roughly against the wall once more, causing the clown to wince and then cackle.

“Keep pushing me-!” Batman shouted.

“The clown says... ‘stop beating yourself up… we’re both still learning to love each other’,” Joker said lifting his hands. “Ha!”

Batman loosened his grip and watched Joker lean tightly against the wall. Powerful emotions washed over him- shame, affection, confusion, relief…

“It takes two to tango, Darling,” Joker said. “And our dance will go much smoother if you’re not so uptight. You need to relax, get out of your head, feel the music, allow yourself to make a misstep here and there. After all, we’re both pretty new to this tune, it’ll take some practice not to trod on each others toes. You get me ...partner?”

This sort of understanding from the Joker was completely unexpected and it had left him in a bit of a shock.

“I get you,” Batman replied softly. “partner.”

“Good,” Joker said. There was a slight pause. He cleared his throat and cupped his hand over his mouth. “Say Bats... this would be an ideal time to kiss your supremely patient and delightfully charming boyfriend.”

Batman couldn’t stop himself from smiling. He pulled the Joker into his arms and pressed a warm, soft kiss against his lips, lingering so that he could extend the rare, tender moment between them as long as possible. After so much time feeling terrible it felt wonderful to indulge in something that made him feel good. It was hard pulling away.

“You keep missing your cue,” Joker sighed, his eyes still closed.

“Then let’s try it again,” Batman whispered, tilting Joker’s chin between his fingers. 

The Joker’s lips pressed firmly against his and Batman felt a sigh of contentment slip out of him in a soft hum. He felt himself leaning further into the kiss, his arms began to feel heavy.

Something was wrong. He yanked his head back and fought to keep it from luling.

“Feeling weak in the knees after our little moment?” Joker asked. He laughed obnoxiously at his own joke as fear gripped Batman’s heart.

“What- did you do?” Batman gasped.

“Drugged you with a kiss. I know, I know, it’s even a little too  _ Poison Ivy _ for me! But in my defense I only had one day to get you to ingest my special nerve agent, and the only place I could count on you putting your mouth on is on me,” Joker sighed. “You should have seen where else I slathered it, wishful thinking!”

Batman’s legs would no longer hold him, he gripped Joker tightly as he slide onto the ground, dragging them down.

“I should have known,” Batman growled.

“Yeah, you really should,” Joker sighed happily. “But you weren’t thinking with your head, were you? You were thinking with your...” he whistled then wiggled his eyebrows.

“...Are you going to kill me?” Batman mumbled.

“Kill you!” Joker snapped. Batman was relieved to see he looked offended by the prospect. “Kill my sweet Batman? After those kisses? That heart-to-heart? Are you MAD? I mean, I know you’re _ mad _ like  _ grrrr _ , but I mean mad like  _ coo-coo _ !”

Batman felt his face hitting the dirty linoleum. That smell. Despair. Lemon cleaner.

“Why…?” he rasped.

“Ears that long and he still doesn’t listen,” Joker huffed, his voice sounding oddly far away. “I told you already- you’re trodding on my toes, it’s time to let your more experienced dance partner take the lead.”

The Joker was out of his vision now but the view was changing. He was being dragged by his legs, he could feel the Joker yanking him jerkily down the hallway and into a dark corner. The best he could hope for was that some lone orderly spotted them, but he knew his chances were slim- he had made sure that he would catch the Joker alone.

“Ooo, we’re gonna have fun,” Joker’s voice said, going in one year and around his dizzy mind. “Yes, yes! Loverboy,  _ Loverbat _ ! They’re gonna see, gonna know, you’re mine and I’m yours- hee hee!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who left kudos, I really do appreciate it. Thank you better if you left feedback, you know who you rockstars are.
> 
> Happy New Year!


	3. Harley and Ivy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This next chapter is sort of short (compared to my usual) but I didn’t want time between chapters to lag too much. Kinda want to keep up the energy.

Batman was laying on his back, his vision was blurry, but when it cleared he gathered he was looking at the underside of a bed. The belt buckles sewn into it confirmed it was an Arkham bed, though his rational mind was calculating these facts he still had trouble putting together why he was seeing what he was. 

The lighting changed, a blanket that was covering the bed to make his makeshift hiding spot was lifted, and memory of being betrayed by Joker came back to him as his  _ boyfriend _ ’s over-excited face floated in his sight.

"Bats- finally!" Joker gasped. “I just hate being the first one awake during a sleep-over!”

"How long?" Batman groaned. He fought to get the words out.

There was a smacking sound as Joker hit the ground on all fours. Batman felt him wiggling into the tight space, he made sure the blanket obscured them from view completely before practically becoming nose-to-nose.

"You were out the entire night, slept like the dead," Joker told him in the dim light. “Side effects of Joker serum include nausea, dizziness, headache, constipation, fatigue, blurry vision, and general wackiness, but with a light nibble you'll be right as rain."

Joker rolled off his torso to grab something on the floor but left his legs behind, Batman could feel him shifting, when he returned he balanced a paper cup in his hands. He grabbed Batman by the ear on his cowl to help lift his head, then slowly tipped the cup to his lips. Batman was so groggy that he didn't refuse the beverage, he hoped it wasn’t more poison, it tasted like warm black coffee- no aftertaste, which was promising. Not long after the coffee, he had a square of cold, buttered toast pressed against his lips. With a tentative bite crumbs spilled down his chin and neck.

Breathing came easily, too easily; some of his armor had been removed. His head was clearing a bit, albeit too slowly for his liking, but he did manage to assess himself and see his shirt rolled up so his midriff was showing, his utility belt was also gone.

"Sorry, sweets, the temptation was too great, I peeked a little," Joker admitted, placing the breakfast to the side.

Batman's eyes narrowed in disapproval, he hoped it would be enough to communicate his displeasure.

“Did you look under my…” Batman started, speaking was difficult, his mouth felt like it was full of marbles.

“ 'Fraid so, mummy is going to be so disappointed I'm not marrying a nice Jewish boy,” Joker sighed.

“My cowl, Joker,” Batman growled. “Not my pants.”

“If I said no... would you believe me?” Joker giggled.

He might. Bruce Wayne was pretty high profile, if Joker discovered his identity, he had a hard time believing a joke wouldn’t have been made about it.

“Where’s my armor?” Batman asked forcefully.

“I wanted to make sure you were comfortable in your jammies, so I put your heavier pieces in a secure storage locker,” Joker explained.

“I hoped we had come to an understanding," Batman said, speaking slowly as his head finally began to clear. "This is unacceptable. If you wanted my affection, this is a poor way to ask for it."

"If I were asking would you be stuffed under my bed ingesting my half-chewed benzos?" Joker replied.

"Joker you're...what do you mean 'half-chewed'?” Batman groaned.

"Listen Bats, I'm going to assume it's the drugs making you  _ slow _ and spell it out for you. I've figured out a way for us to get back in sync! I've created a game for us- it’s perfect! After all, our games is what made us fall in love," Joker said giggling. 

"It wasn’t,” Batman said.

“Of course it was, matching wits with me makes you feel so alive!” Joker said, his toothy grin taking up about seventy percent of his vision. “Too bad it makes everyone else feel  _ dead _ \- hee hee!”

“What did you do?" Batman snapped. He began to sit up and his head hit the bed. The Joker belly-laughed, causing his head to ache. “JOKER!”

“You always put a smile on my face, never change, Bats,” Joker said, pretending to wipe away a tear. “The name of the game is love, sweet love, my love,” he said. “I’ve picked five unlucky souls at Arkham- doctors, inmates, janitors- RATS-! Who knows? But there’s five of them here, poised to die- if you don’t save them first.” 

“How?” Batman snarled.

"By revealing your love for me!" Joker sighed. His eyes were far-away as if in a daydream, his insane grin widening.

“That’s what this is about?” Batman hissed. This was disheartening, his personal life was now putting people in jeopardy, he felt more responsible than ever to keep Joker’s victims safe- no matter the cost.

"Yes- I’m tired of being your dirty little secret and withstanding the snide remarks from my haters!" Joker scowled. He chuckled and regained his composure. "You and I are going to visit a few of our friends, and you’re going to show them just how much you care!”

"I'm still not certain what it is you want me to do," Batman admitted.

"Romance me, Batman, romance! Woo me, pine for me like Romeo did Juliet. Creativity is key, sex appeal before the sex, just make our love known!" Joker swooned.

“Why should I play your game? Why shouldn't I just break up with you?” Batman said. He expected this to cause Joker distress but the madman seemed tickled by the question.

“Why? Because the only thing you love as much as me is playing hero, and I'm giving you the chance to do both!" Joker shouted, cackling madly. "I'm sucha good boyfriend," he murmured.

He sounded so  _ satisfied  _ with himself.

Only Joker's mind would consider setting up a deadly game as an act of love. When lives weren't at stake he would make time to sit them both down and have a discussion about it.

"I'll play your game," Batman replied. "But if anyone gets hurt, we’re through.”

“Is it really so hard telling people how we feel? I do it every damn day in this place,” Joker said. “The doctors just eat that drivel up, it’s easy! I’ll even help you.”

* * *

Joker insisted that Batman eat the rest of his cold breakfast before they ventured forth on his insane ‘game’. It was clear from his bossy demands that he expected to have every whim catered to- not only did he insist Batman eat all the toast, Joker wouldn’t even allow Batman to come out from under the bed until the last of the coffee was drained.

“Sneaking food out of the cafeteria is a two-strike offense, I got it for you, you’re eating it,” Joker had chided him. “Now stay under the bed until you’re done, mister,” he snapped, nudging the side of Batman’s face with his socked foot.

Batman didn’t want to ask how he had snuck out the food. Thankfully, it didn’t seem to be laced with anything and it really did help his headache.

“Let’s get this over with,” Batman grunted, once Joker was satisfied enough to let him out.

“Ah, words every lover longs to hear,” Joker huffed sarcastically.

“I apologize if I come off as insensitive, I’m not a morning person,” Batman said, coming up with a hastey excuse. 

Joker seemed to mull this over, Batman ruffled his cape in one hand, hoping his night persona aided his claim.

“Alright,” Joker relented. He sat on the bed and handed Batman his shoes. “We’ve got a busy day ahead of us, big-boy, so rub the sleep from your eyes. Tie my shoes for me?"

They were canvas shoes without laces, but to keep up the spirit of ‘good lover’ Batman made sure to caress each foot before slipping a shoe on it. He brushed his fingers over The Joker’s toes and heels rubbing his feet slightly as Joker giggled, a faint coloring on his pale cheeks.

“ _ Dick can never find out what happened here _ ,” Batman decided, especially when he acknowledged he found himself enjoying the offer to pleasure his partner. At least his flirtations wouldn’t ring as inauthentic.

The electric lock buzzed and Joker’s cell door opened; he literally skipped to the entrance and stood, visibly elated for 'their busy day'.

"Free hour!" The orderly announced.

They were letting inmates leave in groups, when the orderly overlooking Joker's cell arrived to relieve him, he seemed blessedly unfazed to find Batman present.

"I'll take him where he needs to be," Batman offered. He hoped that was enough to dissuade questions. 

He was met with little resistance, Joker was obviously no one's favorite inmate. Once the orderly had relinquished responsibility, Joker hopped over and took Batman by the hand, squeezing it tightly and pulling him along. 

“Come on,” Joker said, yanking him. “Let’s go, move your Bat-keister, we only have an hour.”

Joker’s had popped through numerous doors before he dragged Batman away without explanation, it was only until Joker stuck his head into a small room that they stopped their frantic search.

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy were the only two inmates in the room. The orderly who was supposed to be watching them was leaning against a doorway and instead watching a movie on his phone.

“Report to the staff room,” Batman told the orderly. The orderly jumped in fright and seemed extremely nervous to be caught slacking. “If you’re not going to take your duties seriously, you may as well take your break in the designated area.”

“Y-yes sir, Batman,” the orderly muttered. Joker laughed when he tripped over his feet, walking away.

“Star Trek is on,” Ivy said as she settled into the couch.

“Ooo,” Harley replied. She was halfway across the room in a flash and vaulted onto the couch with an impressive flip.

“The Original Series,” Ivy clarified, notably apologetic as Harley sat close to her.

“Aw,” Harley moaned. 

“Oh, but it  _ is _ the episode Doctor McCoy slaps a pregnant woman,” Ivy said with a smile.

“Ooo,” Harley chirped, throwing her arm around her.

“Show’s over, ladies!“ Joker announced, strutting into the room. He placed his hands critically on his hips. “Star Trek? Yuck! Since when did women watch that geeky show?”

“Everyone watches Star Trek,” Harley replied. She looked past Joker and tilted her head. “Right, B-man?”

“Not today they don’t,” Joker replied.

“What do you mean?” Ivy asked. Her dislike for Joker was apparent in every syllable. 

He didn’t reply to her, instead he strolled over to the couch and plopped himself on it, causing Ivy to cringe away from him. To irritate her further, Joker spread his legs out taking up as much space as possible.

“There’s another seat over there,” Ivy said, pointing to an armchair. 

“I’m comfortable here, thanks. Oh yawn,” Joker scoffed as he watched Captain Kirk monologue. “Acme hour is on. Go on Bats, change the channel.”

“Hey, no fair- we were here first!” Harley protested hotly, twisting in her seat to deliver an indignant glare at Batman.

“I know,” Batman replied, picking up the remote.

“Then why does he get to pick what we watch?” Poison Ivy said, her eyes narrowed into slits as she glared daggers at him, Joker’s response to this was to wave at her with an indulgent smile.

“Because…” Batman started. He fought the urge to groan as he channel surfed until he found cartoons. “He’s  _ special _ .”

“Special. A word that qualifies him to ride a shortbus, not bogart our tv,” Ivy scoffed. 

Joker’s smile dropped and he scowled as she was the one to return the indulgent smile.

"You're missing your show,  _ honey _ ," Batman said, nodding toward the television.

“Honey?” Harley repeated.

Batman tried not to seem bothered by Ivy and Harley’s confused looks. He guessed this was what Joker had wanted, to make everyone uncomfortable by forcing their secret relationship to light. Naturally the Joker was delighted as all attention shifted to them.

“Thanks, Bat-babe,” Joker said. “Sit down.” he said patting the couch next to him.

Batman complied, he was hardly in a position to refuse- yet. He was working up a contingency plan how to save five random people from death rather than relive this humiliating experience. It was a crowded fit as the four of them squeezed together, although the tension mounted none of them was willing to give each other an inch.

“You’re boyfriends? You mean that cackling creepoid wasn’t just talking out his blowhole all this time?” Ivy snapped at Batman.

“Awww, mazel tov,” Harley congratulated him, shooting Joker a smile. 

He beamed a smile back at her as he put an arm around Batman’s shoulders. Ivy watched them carefully, she seemed to be waiting for something to happen.

“What dirt does the clown have on you?” Ivy asked Batman suspiciously.

Joker didn’t like that, his sunny disposition turned on a dime at her accusation. On some level Batman appreciated that Ivy wasn’t taken-in so easily by the Joker’s game, but that also meant she was inadvertently putting five innocents at risk. 

“No dirt. We really are an item,” Batman replied. To drive the point home he kissed the side of Joker’s head.

“Yeah, ipecac,” Ivy said under her breath, turning back to the television.

A strange, uncomfortable ten minutes passed where they all stubbornly shared a couch, the Joker laughing obnoxiously loud at the animated gags on screen. During commercial break Batman fought to remain composed when Joker’s hand rubbed the inside of his thigh.

"Ew!" Ivy snapped catching sight of them. "Just because we’re prisoners here doesn’t mean we have to watch the two of you fondle each other. Don't you have any sense of propriety?"

"You know for someone whose half granola bar, you sure have your hang ups with what mother nature gave us,” Joker scoffed. “My guess your Arkham file is full of penis-envy."

“You’re delusional, I've more than proven it's not your penis that kept Harley with you so long," Ivy huffed.

"And there you are, spouting Harley-this, and Harley-that! Like I give a hoot you gave Harley an itch for you! I'm the one whose traded up," Joker said, kissing Batman's lips with a hum of delight before hugging him tight. "Go ahead, enjoy my leftovers!"

"Hey!" Harley shouted angrily.

"Oh I will, because you haven't the first clue what you left over!" Ivy snapped, pulling Harley into her arms and kissing her fully on the lips.

Joker was peaking at the pair of them while he kissed, and it fueled him further to climb onto Batman’s lap. Batman thought it sounded like a New Orleans cat-house between everyone trying to out-moan each other as they kissed with wanton abandon. It was having an odd effect on him, Harley and Ivy were quite an exciting sight, and the Joker was shoving his tongue in his mouth with all the tenaciousness of trying to lick the back of his throat- Batman supposed Ivy was equally as eager with her partner as his eyes met Harley Quinn’s. She shrugged at him.

Then Harley gasped when Ivy reached under her shirt.

"Joker-" Batman warned.

But his warning came too late, Joker's cold hands slipped under his shirt as well and latched onto his pecks. If Batman allowed this to carry on they would be soon find themselves a rapid state of undress- and while he had gotten rid of the orderly at his post, he was certain there were cameras perched in the room filming their sexy escalation.

Batman stood, the Joker’s legs wrapped around his waist to keep from falling, and Batman carried him away from the couch quickly. Instead of it being interpreted as a retreat Ivy took it as another challenge. She grunted in exertion as she too stood up with Harley in her arms, who squealed with surprise.

“Brav-o, what is she, a hundred thirty pounds?” Joker mocked her from across the room.

“And you’re, what, a hundred fifty?” Ivy said. Her voice was steady but her arms were taut with effort. “You two would be more impressive if Batman was a pencil-neck like you.”

Privately Batman agreed with her, he recognized there was a determination not unlike what he saw in Barbara Gordon. If circumstances weren’t so grim he wouldn’t shy away from telling her, but the last thing he needed was to add more fuel to their conflict.

“Batman’s not some half-withered houseplant, he’s an adonis! You can bounce a quarter off his tight ass!” Joker chuckled.

“Go tell Harv, because  _ no one else  _ cares,” Ivy spat back with venom.

“Watch whatever you want, ladies, you win,” Batman said, cutting off their argument. He was beginning to understand that there was a serious rivalry there that could easily spiral out of control.

“Yeah, we’re gonna go make whoopie!” Joker said happily, pointing his toes. “Don’t forget to trim your bush, Ivy!” he cackled as Batman carried him swiftly out the door and down the hall.

“I delivered on my promise, now it’s time for you to do the same,” Batman said. He attempted to place Joker down on the ground but his boyfriend’s legs only clenched tighter. “Joker-!”

“Harls and Itchy make two,” Joker reasoned happily. “Only three more to go.”

“Give me two names,” Batman demanded, holding onto him.

“No way, you have to finish what you start before I spill the beans,” Joker replied. “I can’t have you quittin’ on lovin’ me halfway through. You’re on a roll, baby! At this pace everyone will know the big news before dinner!”

“Who else needs to know?” Batman growled. "How much time do they have?"

“Hmmmm,” Joker said, tapping his lips with a finger.

“Tell me!” Batman roared.

“Uh-oh, would you look at the time? I have group therapy soon,” Joker said, his eyes widening. An impish grin spread across his face. “...Carry me there?”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Harley and Ivy got this chapter, I’m doing Scarecrow and Two-Face next one, maybe a surprise guest too. Eddie will be the grand finale, haha!
> 
> Also, I really like sweetSugarSPICE's idea for Scarecrow-relations and will be using it.
> 
> And for the record, I love Star Trek, and that episode concerning McCoy really exists.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this may come off as shameless but if you like the fic please leave me kudos; It's not so much as leaving me an 'atta-boy' as it helps me figure out if what I'm writing is worth spending my free time to continue or if I should just scrap a fic and start on something else. I'm getting really positive responses to my writing in this fandom, so this isn't a threat of pulling the plug or anything, as I'm saying it just helps me recognize if I should start something new or go in a different direction.
> 
> And to those who leave comments, bless you with all that's holy, because those comments help me focus on things you want to read or understand the segments I've written that you really like. I love reading comments.


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